The Gormly Law Firm Blog

A Closer Look Inside the Incestuous Family: What Victims Face

by The Gormly Law Firm Staff on 01/06/12

"My father's mantra was 'look at how you are destroying the family' or 'if you tell I will kill all of you.' Unfortunately, my father did an expert job of vilifying me with my siblings. Not a lot of validation from them... my brother had joined the ranks of ostracizing me in school to gain peer acceptance. My father skillfully, knowingly or not, had me isolated within my own family."

 

"My father (molested) me for years....he cut me off from other people....Most of the time the perpetrator will tell the child what they've 'done together' would ruin the family, make the mother and father hate him/her or he might threaten to kill the family if he/she tells."

 

"I was sodimized by an uncle when I was 4 years old and molested by several other men from the age of 6 to the age of 13. I told my relatives about what happened and nobody believed me."

 

The comments above are from real survivors of childhood sexual abuse suffered at the hands of family members, otherwise known as incest. As unsettling as these crimes are, what's even more disturbing is how these acts continue on in broad daylight, completely under our noses. Where were the other adults or family members? Why did no one step in to help? And even further, if the child does tell, why are their cries for help so often ignored?

 

The Family Norm

 

According to Karyl McBride, Ph.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist, an incestuous family is as equally one that is narcissistic. The family unit is the worst of all "clubs"-- one simply does not break ranks... or else. "If a member of the narcissistic family points out truth or 'calls' the family on the pretense displayed, that person is often punished, alienated, and made to feel like they are the crazy one," states McBride. "The dark side of child sexual abuse is that it must be kept a secret. Child victims in incest families are bribed, threatened, coerced, and told that something bad will happen if they tell. A child believes this. In many incest families, when a young child does tell, it is not validated or acknowledged." These victims are often isolated within their own families -- first by the parents, and later by the other children who mimic the parent's behavior, as this is viewed as the "family norm." The family may go so far as to say they are "afraid" of the victim, or that the victim caused harm to others as to further isolate themselves from the victim. "In both incestuous and narcissistic families, lying is a membership requirement. In the narcissistic family the lies are used to uphold the image of the perfect family. In the incest family, the lies are used to keep the secret of sexual abuse," states McBride. The narcissistic family can probably be best described as "the shiny red apple with the worm inside."

 

Other common carryovers of such family dynamics are jealousy amongst the parents and/or the other children and the victim, denial, a severe lack of empathy, and ultimately, trauma, which most commonly presents itself as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

 

 

What's the Bottom Line?

 

These acts are NOT the victim's fault. Often, the perpetrator -- and those guilty by association -- will convince the victim that their abuse was somehow their own fault. It never is.

 

As legal practitioner's, we should thoroughly investigate, but believe when the facts warrant. We should be skeptics, but not cynics. To choose to believe is messy and time-consuming. It requires digging below the surface. Taking a twist on the old Russian saying made famous here during the 1980s, "verify -- but trust."

                                                              

Most importantly, when the victim finally has the courage to reach out for help, those of us who are in a position to help should not revictimize the victim by refusing to believe their cries. In so doing, we ourselves are complicit in the crime. We must understand that to summon the courage to confront the abuse in a legal forum, the victim, by necessity, must relive the excruciating trauma all over again. This is why so few come forward. It is far easier to believe the abuser's denials than to face the challenges of advocating for the victim. Fighting for justice is never easy. But in so doing, we can save a human life.

 

 

Civil and criminal remedies are available to victims who decide to come forward and hold their abusers accountable. Victims of such crimes do not need to suffer alone. If you or a loved one have suffered such abuse, several resources are available. Please click here to learn more. (http://www.thegormlylawfirm.com/childsexualabuse.html)

 

 

Sources

McBride, Karyl, Ph.D. "Lying Is Part of the Fascination of the Casey Anthony Trial: Where does lying come from?" June 11, 2011 http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201106/lying-is-part-the-fascination-the-casey-anthony-trial

McBride, Karyl, Ph.D. "The Casey Anthony Trial and Family Dynamics: Can we turn sensationalism into education?" June 24, 2011 http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201106/the-casey-anthony-trial-and-family-dynamics?page=2

What is Incest and What are the Family Dynamics/Traits?

by The Gormly Law Firm Staff on 12/28/11

What is Incest?

 

Incest, as defined by E. Sue Blume, author of Secret Survivors, is "sexual abuse of minors who have close relationships with their abusers." The victims include biological or adopted children, or supervised children under the control of the perpetrator, with the most typical incestuous traits developing between a child and his or her parent.

 

According to Blume, incest is "the most serious and most common form of child sexual abuse. Arguably, it is also the most serious of all types of abuse." Legally speaking, it is a particularly heinous crime whose victims often suffer their entire lives in silent pain.

 

 

What are the dynamics of an incestuous family?

 

There are numerous misconceptions regarding the makeup of the incestuous family -- the subject in and of itself is taboo. Too often, incest is labeled an act by those in lower socio-economic or publicly dysfunctional families. Typically, however, it is quite the opposite is true. In fact, on its face, many incestuous families are those held out as the ideal: extremely religious, leaders in their community -- politicians, judges, doctors, high-level managers -- and with several children who are all polite and driven to succeed academically. But the facade of "everything is fine" is quite different of what happens behind closed doors... even the doors of the most beautiful homes in town.

 

Several of these frequent dynamics may include:

• The family has many children.
• The father is a tyrant; demands strict discipline, and decides all aspects of family life.
• "Highly functioning parents" always put their interests before those of the child.
• One or both parents are perfectionists and demand the same from the child.
• The parents are driven to be socially recognized.
• The parents heavily invest in building a social facade of normalcy.
• The father cares more about friends and strangers than his family.
• Lying is a requirement.
• Narcissism is a common trait.
• Keeping secrets and "protecting the family" is the expected norm.
• One child may be anorexic.
• Siblings may have very different interests (music versus sports or politics).
• Siblings may exhibit unjustifiable rivalry, quarreling and dislike of each other.
• Children or parents have an exceptional talent for music, singing, math, sports, science.
• One child is psychologically very different from the rest of the family.
• The whole family is deeply religious.

The connection between domestic abuse and incest

 

According to Lundy Bancroft, a respected author, workshop leader and consultant on domestic abuse and child maltreatment, "multiple studies have established the high overlap between battering and incest perpetration (Herman, 1981; McCloskey et. al.; Paveza; Sirles and Franke; and Truesdell et. al.). These studies, taken together, indicate that a batterer is about four to six times more likely than a non-batterer to sexually abuse his children. These statistics are in line with studies of batterers' risk to physically abuse children; the largest study of this kind showed batterers seven times more likely than non-batterers to frequently hit their children (Straus). About half of incest perpetrators also batter the children's mother (Herman, 1981; Sirles and Franke; Truesdell). A recent major publication on family violence recommended that any history of sexual assaults against the mother be treated as a warning sign of possible sexual or physical abuse of the children (American Psychological Association)."

 

Civil and criminal remedies are available to victims who decide to come forward and hold their abusers accountable. Victims of such crimes do not need to suffer alone. If you or a loved one have suffered such abuse, several resources are available. Please click here to learn more.

 

 

Sources

American Psychological Association Presidential Task Force on Violence and the Family Violence and the Family American Psychological Association, 1996 Discusses the overlap among different forms of family abuse.

Bancroft, Lundy. "The Connection Between Batterers and Child Sexual Abuse Perpetrators." http://www.lundybancroft.com/?page_id=289

Blume, E. Sue. Secret Survivors, Ballantine Books, 1998.

 

Dak, Martin. Spellbound, http://www.lucidpages.com/family.html

Herman, Judith, M.D. Father-Daughter Incest Harvard University Press, 1981 50% of incest perpetrators in this study also abused the mother; provides an introduction to the tactics and style of incest perpetrators.

McBride, Karyl, Ph.D. "The Casey Anthony Trial and Family Dynamics." Psychology Today. June 24, 2011. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201106/the-casey-anthony-trial-and-family-dynamics

McCloskey, L.A., Figueredo, A.J., and Koss, M. "The Effect of Systemic Family Violence on Children's Mental Health" Child Development No. 66, pgs. 1239-1261 This study found batterers more than six times as likely as non-batterers to perpetrate incest; incest was present in almost 10% of the battering homes in their study.

Paveza, G. "Risk Factors in Father-Daughter Child Sexual Abuse" Journal of Interpersonal Violence 3 (3), Sept. 1988, pgs. 290-306 Paveza found domestic violence to be one of the top four predictors of child sexual abuse.

Sirles, E. and Franke, P. "Factors Influencing Mothers' Reactions to Intrafamily Sexual Abuse" Child Abuse and Neglect Vol. 13, pgs. 131-139 44% of the incest perpetrators in this study battered the child's mother.

Straus, M. "Ordinary Violence, Child Abuse, and Wife-Beating: What Do They Have in Common?" In D. Finkelhor, R.J. Gelles, G.T. Hotaling, and M.A. Straus (Eds.) The Dark Side of Families: Current Family Violence Research Beverly Hills: Sage, 1983 Over 50% of batterers had physically abused children more than once in the last year in this large-scale study, vs. 7% of non-batterers.

Truesdell, D., McNeil, J. and Deschner, J. "Incidence of Wife Abuse in Incestuous Families" Social Work March-April 1986, pgs. 138-140 Over 70% of the incest perpetrators in this study also battered the children's mother. Most of the violence was at lower levels.

The Risks of Failing to Properly Plan and Act

by The Gormly Law Firm Staff on 06/24/10

Members of the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community face the same legal problems that everyone else in society faces. They also face an additional set of legal and social challenges -- issues particular to them involving individual, relationship and parental rights -- that those outside of the LGBT community may never even have to consider, let alone confront. The risks failing to properly plan and act can have a significant detrimental effect on your life and the life of your partner. Some of these decisions include:

* You might have no standing to make medical (or any other) decisions for your partner if he or she is incapacitated or otherwise unable to make his/her own decisions. 

* Your partner might be left with little or nothing if you die before he/she does -- state intestacy laws dictate what happens to property in your name, or to shared property presumed to be yours if he/she lacks legal title. 

* You might be left with little or nothing from the business you and your partner built together if the business documents are improperly drafted, and he/she dies before you or is incapacitated. 

* You might have to fight an uphill battle for custody or guardianship of your partner's biological child -- whom the two of you have raised -- if your partner is incapacitated to the point he/she can no longer care for the child or if your partner dies.

* You might have to fight an uphill battle for shared custody or visitation of your partner's biological child -- whom the two of you have raised -- if your relationship ends. 

* You might risk losing substantial amounts of property or funds that are rightfully yours if your relationship ends. 

* You might lose everything you and your partner have worked for if you become seriously ill, require long-term care, and lack long-term care insurance -- the law may require that you impoverish yourself before Medicaid begins to cover expenses.

These make up just a sample of the problems -- there are many more. 

At The Gormly Law Firm, we have made it a significant part of our mission to provide the solutions.     

Do not risk your rights and protections by failing to act.

 

The Dangers of Pre-Made Legal Form Packages

by The Gormly Law Firm Staff on 06/01/10

You can buy one of the relatively inexpensive packets of pre-made legal forms you may have seen advertised. These typically include sample documents such as a will, a health care power of attorney, an advance directive, and so on. You can fill these in yourself and, if properly executed and filed, the documents may be legally enforceable. 

However, without a competent attorney who understands these issues to draft the documents, you risk the following potential problems:

     1) What is enforceable (and enforced by the court) may not be what you intended;

     2) What you intended may not be enforceable by the court;

     3) What you intended may be in the document and enforceable, but open to challenge because of the document's form or phrasing; 

     4) Even with an enforceable, air-tight document that reflects exactly what you intended at the time you signed it, the document may fail to account for changes in circumstances that would change your intentions, which may now be unenforceable, 

     5) Even with an enforceable, air-tight document that reflects exactly what you intended at that time, you might be unaware of a number of options, such as certain kinds of trusts, that could better protect your assets or lower taxes; and

     6) If anything goes wrong, such as an unhappy relative challenging your will or someone in your deceased spouse's family challenging your right to guardianship of a child, either:
      * you are on your own or
      * you have to search for an attorney who will immediately take your case and step in to act. 

You run substantial risk by relying on these one-size-fits-all packages of document forms. 

Further, many families need substantially more intricate estate planning to protect their assets and their rights, planning that can require highly involved trusts or financial instruments. Those families are especially vulnerable if they fail to consult a trained attorney to address their specialized needs.

Do not put yourself in this position. Seek out an attorney who understands these legal issues and will work with you to put together a comprehensive plan. 

GLBT Law -- Common Legal Issues

by The Gormly Law Firm Staff on 05/19/10

GLBT law encompasses a broad range of legal areas, each of which overlaps and interconnects with at least one other area.  No one attorney can practice effectively in all of them.

However, an informed, competent LGBT attorney will have a good working knowledge of all the relevant areas, will focus on a number of them, and will know the best attorneys to bring in, if needed, to provide the client the best, most effective representation possible.

Some of the legal areas that LGBT's face include:

• Relationship Rights
  Recognition of a committed same-sex relationship and the marriage-style rights that should be inherent in that relationship.
• Parental Rights
  Gaining of custody and visitation rights following either a traditional divorce or the ending of a same-sex relationship. Guardianship, adoption, and medically assisted insemination for a GLBT couple or individual.
• Property
  Legitimate claims to real property, personal property and other assets following a change in relationship, change in financial arrangements, or death or disability of one of the parties.
• Business Law 
  Succession in or rights to business assets following a change in relationship, change in financial arrangements, or death or disability of one of the parties. 
• Public Access
  Rights, especially of gender non-conforming individuals, to travel via public transportation and to use public facilities. 
• First Amendment
  Rights of free expression and association.
• Schools
  Rights of LGBT students to live without harassment or compromising who they are.
• Employment
  Dealing with job discrimination and unequal treatment in the workplace.
• Housing
  Living where one chooses or keeping one's home after the death of or breakup with a same-sex partner.

This list is far from complete, but it gives a broad sense of the different issues that fall into this area of law. 

If you face or are concerned about potential problems because of your GLBT status, do not hesitate to contact The Gormly Law Firm.